


A Man of Stature

by geri_chan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Innuendo, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-17
Updated: 2015-01-17
Packaged: 2018-03-07 21:32:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3183899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geri_chan/pseuds/geri_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/snapedom/23358.html">question</a> on the Snapedom comm about Snape's height. Someone pointed out that Sirius is described as "rather taller" than Snape in OotP, but what if he really wasn't? </p>
<p>A rewrite of the scene from the "Occlumency" chapter in Book 5--large chunks of dialogue were taken directly from the book, but hopefully I've put my own spin on it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Man of Stature

**Author's Note:**

> Originally archived on Ink Stained Fingers on 09/27/07.

When Remus arrived at Grimmauld Place, Molly told him that Severus was in the kitchen talking to Harry and Sirius--a volatile combination at the best of times, so he hurried to the kitchen, intent upon preventing bloodshed.  
  
Sure enough, when he got there they were already arguing, though not quite at each other's throats--yet.  
  
"Why can't Dumbledore teach Harry?" Sirius demanded. "Why you?"  
  
"I suppose it is a Headmaster's privilege to delegate less enjoyable tasks," Severus said in a silky voice. Standing unnoticed in the kitchen doorway, Remus breathed a faint sigh of resignation. He loved Severus, really he did, but did the man always have to be so damned snarky?  
  
"I assure you I did not beg for the job," Severus continued. Rising to his feet, he said, "I will expect you at six o'clock on Monday evening, Potter. My office. If anybody asks, you are taking Remedial Potions. Nobody who has seen you in my classes could deny you need them."  
  
"Wait a moment," Sirius said, sitting up straighter in his chair.  
  
"I am rather in a hurry, Black," Severus said, turning back to face Sirius with a sneer. "Unlike you, I do not have unlimited leisure time..."  
  
"I'll get to the point, then," Sirius said, standing up and looming over Severus. "If I hear you're using these Occlumency lessons to give Harry a hard time, you'll have me to answer to."  
  
Wait a minute--since when did Sirius "loom" over Severus? Remus wondered. Unless he'd had a sudden and miraculous growth spurt over the past couple of days, he ought to be a few inches shorter than Severus, the same as he had always been.  
  
Severus automatically sneered at Sirius, although he looked a bit puzzled, too. "How very touching. But surely you have noticed that Potter is very like his father?"  
  
"Yes, I have," said Sirius proudly.   
  
Didn't Sirius realize that Severus was just setting him up for some sarcastic comeback? Remus sighed again, a little louder this time, but the others still did not notice his presence. Severus and Sirius were too busy with their little game of one-upmanship, and from the look on Harry's face, he was too busy worrying about whether his Professor and his godfather were going to come to blows, or worse, start flinging hexes at each other.  
  
"Well then, you'll know he's so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off of him," Severus said sleekly.  
  
Sirius pulled out his wand and strode around the table towards Severus, who immediately whipped out his own wand.  
  
"Sirius!" Harry shouted.  
  
"I've warned you, _Snivellus_ ," Sirius said, leaning close until his face was barely a foot away from Snape's, "I don't care if Dumbledore thinks you've reformed, I know better--"  
  
"Oh, but why don't you tell him so?" Severus whispered. "Or are you afraid he might not take the advice of a man who's been hiding inside his mother's house for six months very seriously?"  
  
"Tell me, how is Lucius Malfoy these days? I expect he's delighted his lapdog's working at Hogwarts, isn't he?"  
  
"Speaking of dogs," Severus hissed, "did you know Lucius Malfoy recognized you the last time you risked a little jaunt outside? Clever idea, Black, getting yourself seen on a safe station platform...gave you a cast-iron excuse not to leave your little hidey-hole in the future, didn't it?"  
  
Sirius raised his wand, but Harry vaulted over the table and threw himself between them, shouting, "Sirius, don't--"  
  
"Are you calling me a coward?" roared Sirius, trying to shove Harry out of the way.  
  
"Why, yes, I suppose I am," Severus replied.  
  
"Harry--get--out--of--it!" Sirius snarled, pushing at the boy with his free hand.  
  
"Enough, you two!" Remus shouted as he strode into the room, finally deciding to intervene. Startled, his lover and his best friend turned to face him, and Sirius teetered unsteadily on his feet, looking rather like someone trying to walk on stilts for the first time.  
  
Severus frowned thoughtfully at Sirius for a moment, then casually reached out and poked him in the chest with his forefinger. That little push was enough to unbalance Sirius, who fell to the floor with a crash, his legs flying up in the air. As his legs went up, his long robe fell down, exposing the platform boots on his feet.  
  
Lupin couldn't help it; although he really ought to be a little more concerned about his best friend, he burst into laughter at the sight of those boots.  
  
Harry just stood there gaping in shock, staring at Sirius and Remus as if they'd both lost their minds. Then he shook his head and muttered, "I thought Sirius was looking a little taller than normal lately..."  
  
Severus smirked down at Sirius and said, "Really, Black, that's so very seventies. And here I thought you had better fashion sense than that."  
  
"Says the guy who wears nothing but black," Sirius muttered, still lying flat on his back.  
  
"Ah, but black is always fashionable," Severus retorted. "The color, not the person, of course."  
  
"Ha ha, did you ever think of giving up teaching for a career as a comedian?" Sirius asked sarcastically. "Moony, do you think you could stop laughing long enough to give me a hand here?"  
  
"Sorry," Remus said, still chuckling. As he helped his friend to his feet, he added, "Actually, I've heard that platform boots have become quite fashionable in Japan. There have been a number of accidents connected with them, though--people falling, mostly, although there was an incident where a woman caused a car accident when her boot got stuck on the gas pedal. Honestly, Sirius, is your vanity really worth breaking your neck over?"  
  
"Oh, don't be so hard on him, Lupin," Severus said, taking an obvious pleasure in his enemy's discomfiture. "After all, he's just trying to make up for his _short_ comings."  
  
"Oh, shut it, Snape!" Sirius snapped.  
  
Harry began glancing nervously back and forth between Sirius and Severus again. "Um, are you all right, Sirius?"  
  
Sirius flushed and mumbled, "Yeah, I'm okay, just a few bruises."  
  
"I think his pride was damaged more than anything else," Remus said with a smile.  
  
"Moony!" Sirius protested. "Whose side are you on, anyway?"  
  
"Neither side," Remus replied firmly. "It's ridiculous that you two are creating 'sides' to begin with. In case you hadn't noticed, we're in the middle of a war. Isn't it about time that you set aside your childish grudges, at least for the duration of the war?"  
  
"Childish?!" Severus and Sirius chorused simultaneously, then glared at each other.   
  
They might have started arguing again, except that just then, the entire Weasley clan, along with Hermione, walked into the kitchen, all looking very happy. "Cured!" Arthur announced brightly. "Completely cured!" Then he and the others froze at the threshold, staring at the wand in Severus's hand; Sirius's lay on the floor where it had dropped when he fell.  
  
"Is everything all right?" Arthur asked uncertainly.  
  
Severus lowered his wand and  pocketed it, while Harry hastily picked up Sirius's wand and handed it to him. "Yes, Arthur," Sirius replied with false cheer and a strained smile. "Just a friendly little chat between two old school friends."  
  
"Indeed," Severus said dryly.  "Well, I must be on my way. Potter, I'll see you at six o'clock Monday evening. Lupin, would you come with me? I need to discuss some alterations to the Wolfsbane Potion with you."  
  
"Of course, Severus," Remus said meekly. Sirius glowered at them, since he probably suspected that "discussing alterations to the Wolfsbane Potion" was a euphemism for "let's go have sex," but he kept his mouth shut, since Arthur and Molly were still gazing at him suspiciously.  
  
Once they were alone in the Potions Master's quarters at Hogwarts, Severus burst into laughter. "Oh Merlin, those ridiculous boots! If only I'd had a camera..."  
  
"I don't know why he's always had this inferiority complex about his height," Remus said, shaking his head. "It's not as if he's short, it's just that you're taller than average." He sighed. "I suppose that everything has to be a competition with you two."  
  
Severus smiled and purred in that sleek, sexy voice that always drove Remus wild, "Ah, but don't you know, Lupin? Size _does_ matter."  
  
Remus took Severus by the hand and laughed, "Ah, my love, you will always be a man of stature to me!" He tugged at Severus's hand, pulling him into the bedroom. "Now, since size matters so much to you, why don't we go compare the size of our...er...wands. I think we should do a most thorough inspection."  
  
"Most thorough," Severus agreed, closing the bedroom door behind them.


End file.
